When I was a kid my mom always told me that until I got bigger than her she was the boss and there was nothing I could do about it. I believed her. She was taller, stronger and could throw me over her shoulder if she really wanted to. I didn’t test the theory too often and when I did she always won.
I dreamed of the day when I would be able to use the same phrase with my own kids. When I would be the one with the power, just waiting for them to test the theory and then be the one to win. Sweet victory would be mine.
In my fantasy I pictured myself being taller and stronger than my kids, just like my mom was. But then I got paralyzed at 13 and the taller, stronger version of myself turned into the sitting, crappy balance version.
I held onto the fantasy though and figured it would still work when I had kids, at least for a while, until they got smart and figured out that it was all a lie and that they could outrun me and probably out-smart me if they really wanted to
I just didn’t think it would happen before my kids were 10. I thought I had at least until then and maybe even until they grew into sullen teenagers. I was wrong.
Apparently toddlers are way smarter than they look…and can be tiny, crafty assholes when they want to be
The Day My 3 Year Old Outsmarted Me
One day when my daughter Jamie and I went to visit my friend Theresa (who is also in a wheelchair) and her daughter Reese, Jamie figured out that even though her mom is the boss, she has the power. You see, it was on that day that it dawned on her that her legs are an advantage and that as cool and awesome as mommy’s wheelchair is when she wants to catch a ride, there are some places that wheelchairs can’t go.
And then like an informant she spilled the beans to my friend’s daughter and they both ganged up on Theresa and I like a couple of mini evil geniuses.
Theresa has a beautiful, wheelchair accessible, two story house with an elevator in it. There isn’t one area that we can’t fully get to in the house with our wheelchairs…except the stairs.
Well, today was the day that Jamie figured this out.
I had decided it was time to go and she didn’t like that.. Playing is serious business when you’re a toddler. It’s basically a full time job. Jamie and Reese were in the middle of something important. Dolls, blocks, kitchen, whatever they were playing, I don’t remember, it was clearly gonna save the world someday because it was too important to stop.
Life as Jamie knew if depended on playing longer.
When I gave Jamie her five minute warning for how much longer she could play, I went back to visiting with Theresa and thought nothing of it. That’s when Jamie and Reese grabbed their toys and headed to the small landing on the staircase.
I didn’t realize that the idea to play on the stairs was a premeditated, toddler size power trip until I told Jamie that it was finally time to go.
She sat there for a second and pretended not to hear. I said it again.
Nothing.
One more time. Maybe she was REALLY involved in her game.
Nope. She turned to me and just said, “No mom, not time to go yet.”
When Your 3 Year Old Learns You Can’t Come and Get Her
Then I told her to come down from the stairs.
Again nope.
That’s when I realized.
It was happening. My 3 year old had already figured out that my phrase about being the boss had a caveat. That I am really only the boss if she lets me be.
Jamie sat on the stairs with Reese, high enough that she was out of reach, but low enough that she could look at me and flaunt her tiny little toddler legs that could climb the stairs.
I was filled with a mix of pride and annoyance.
I thought:
Damn, I’m such a good mom, look how smart my 3 year old is!
Then I thought:
Damn it, that little shit! How dare she use my disadvantages in her favour!
That’s when I tried the phrase that I had used a million times to see if maybe it would work, “Jamie, get down here right now, I am your mother and until you are bigger than me I am the boss”.
I wanted to add, “And there’s nothing you can do about it” like my mom had always done, but clearly there was something she could do about it……
Threats turned into pleads, and pleads turned into requests.
Then, there I was nicely asking my 3 year old if she thought it was time to go yet.
Theresa tried to help, but Reese was in on the ploy and clearly on the toddler team.
Pretty soon I gave up, just laughed and went back to visiting.
Hey, maybe this was payback for the time that Jamie tried to crawl under my wheelchair as a baby and got her head stuck by my front casters.
Eventually, Jamie got bored and came down from the stairs.
The Moral of the Story
On that day Jamie learned that she could definitely out-play her mom if she wanted to.
I learned that as a parent in a wheelchair, power struggles should be avoided at all cost. Why? Because even though we are the boss, our kids are the ones that have the power.
I also learned that baby gates are not just valuable for preventing kids from falling down the stairs. They are also really good for locking those little suckers out of the only place that I can’t get to them.
I put my baby gate back up as soon as I got home.
My kids are now 7 and 11 and even though they’ve figured out that they can outrun me and that they have more power than other kids, whose parents aren’t in wheelchairs, they still let me be the boss 90% of the time.
The other 10% of the time, I get to laugh (or sometimes curse) at the situation, be glad that my kids don’t do it very often, and think of ways that I can outsmart them instead of overpower them.
Tips for Parents in Wheelchairs on Avoiding Power Struggles With Your Kids
Here are a few tips on how to avoid power struggles with your kids if you are a mom in a wheelchair:
For Children Under 6:
1. Set routines and be consistent
With little ones often having a consistent routine is enough to avoid power struggles because they don’t know that there is a different way of doing things. If you show them the routine and consistently remind them, then it will become habit. For example, a rule and routine of always picking up toys so that mommy’s wheelchair doesn’t get stuck or break the toys.
2. Give limited choices
When there’s something important that needs to happen, try giving limited choices to your child so that they feel in control but the goal will still be met. For example, if you are taking your child to the mall and need them to be safe and where you can always reach them you could say, “when we are at the mall you can either sit on mommy’s lap or use your backpack with the leash so mommy can hold onto you”.
3. Don’t sweat the small stuff
Let your child have control over as much as you can. Where they sit at the table, what clothes to wear, what color cup they have, what toys they play with, etc.
Here is a great resource with a free printable on how to stop a power struggle with a toddler or young child once it has started.
For children 6 and over:
1. Offer “if” and “then” consequences
When your child is doing something you don’t want them to, offer an “IF” phrase such as “if you and your sister keep fighting during the movie”, followed up by a THEN consequence such as “then you will have to go to your rooms so that you are not being disruptive to everyone else”. This gives them the choice to either stop fighting or do it somewhere else.
This also works when you need them to understand how they can be helpful or explain what could happen if they aren’t.
Examples:
IF you do your chores quickly, THEN we will have lots of time in the afternoon to go swimming.
IF you don’t put your lego away THEN your baby cousin might come into your room and break it or choke on the small pieces.
2. Empower, not overpower
As soon as my kids got big enough to outrun me, too heavy for me to pick up, and smart enough to be able to get to places I couldn’t get to, I made sure to explain to them how much power and responsibility they have. Just like Spiderman, whose power comes with great responsibility, I tell them that the choices they make can either help me be a good mom or make my job harder. I tell them they are my helpers and how they can help make things go faster and easier throughout the day. Try to involve your kids in decisions and allow them to exert their independence and freedom so that power struggles can be avoided before they start.
3. Involve your kids in making rules and routines
Make rule making and routine building a team effort. Tell your kids what’s important to you for a successful day and ask them what’s important to them. Make rules and routines that find middle ground. For example, it’s important to my kids to have the opportunity for screen time everyday. It’s important to me that they do something creative or helpful everyday. We compromise by making a rule that on weekdays they must read and do one creative activity for 30 minutes before and after school if they want access to their devices.
4. Pick your battles
Let your children make decisions about most of the little things in their life such as how to dress, how to style their hair, how to arrange their rooms, what books to read, etc. Unless it directly affects you, don’t make a big deal about it. If battles arise, ask yourself what the goal is and if the goal can be accomplished by doing it the way your child wants then let them do it their way. For example, if the goal is to get homework done and you prefer it done directly after school before anything else, but your child wants to have a snack first, let them try their way first and jump in for support if it doesn’t work.
Here is a great resource for dealing with power struggles with older children: