Digital Stimulation, The Shitty Truth

When I was paralyzed at the age of thirteen I thought a spinal cord injury meant that you couldn’t move your legs. Just that. Nothing more.

I blame my naivety on the nice man in a wheelchair that came to talk to my school about a month before I was in the snowmobile accident that caused my spinal cord injury. You see he was a motivational speaker and the story he told was of the struggles people in wheelchairs have to face. Things like not being able to participate in certain aspects of society and missing out on adventures with friends and family. Having a harder time dressing and getting around in the winter. I remember being slightly embarrassed for the guy, slightly bored and only mildly affected. He was a good speaker and all but the things he said just didn’t have the shock and awe required to jerk my teenage brain out of its self- obsessed delirium.

Fast forward a few months and I am lying in a rehab hospital with a spinal cord injury of my own.

Isn’t it ironic….don’t you think. 

You totally just sang the Alanis Morissette song with me….

Anyway, back to the story. When I finally weaned off the pain medication long enough to realize that I was in fact paralyzed and not just in some hallucinogenic dream, I learned a few things about being paralyzed that I didn’t know before.

The real truth about living with a spinal cord injury

For starters, there is definitely more to it than not being able to move your legs. I suppose if I had thought about it for long enough it would have dawned on me that being paralyzed meant that everything from the waist down (or wherever you happen to be lucky enough to be paralyzed from) means that EVERYTHING from there down is affected. Meaning the lovely anatomy so closely nestled in between your beautiful (or maybe not so beautiful) butt cheeks, and between your legs. That’s right people, I’m talking about the good old private parts that take care of the bodily functions that, pre-paralyses, took barely any thought or concentration to control. When taking a poop or pee was a simple, often quite pleasurable, activity.

Oh yeah, those things are affected too!

And…

No longer within your control.

Hello, paralysis. Nice to finally meet the real you.

Of course, it took me a while to finally realize the scope of the situation given the fact that I could no longer feel either orifice and had other people managing my defecation.

When I did finally clue in my first question was, “So what, do I have to wear a diaper now?”

When the answer was no I thought that sounded like good news.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

You see, it was at that moment that I learned a fancy term called DIGITAL STIMULATION.

A very clever person came up with that term.

Whoever it is, deserves a pat on the back for the sheer brilliance of it, really.

When I heard that I was going to learn about digital stimulation and how to use it I was pretty excited.

I’m thinking I am getting the DL on some very cool technology.

In my world digital meant ELECTRONIC devices. How can you blame me really?

Digital clocks, digital thermometers, digital cameras. All fabulous pieces of technology that make life easier and more exciting.

What I was about to learn was not going to make my life easier, and definitely, DEFINITELY, not more exciting.

An education in vocabulary

It was on that day that I learned that fingers can also be referred to as digits. And digital stimulation…..brace yourself…….is the act of using said digits to stimulate an anal sphincter to relax.

Yes, I’m dead serious.

As a thirteen-year-old, I almost fainted. For real.

And then when they told me why I was learning about it shit hit the fan.

Pun intended. You’ll get the joke soon enough.

Remember the part of the story where I talked about how paralysis takes away voluntary control of your butthole? Well when that occurs, one of two things happens. If your paralysis level is really low, then you get a butthole with very little tone or tightness. If you are paralyzed higher up like me then your butthole likes to stay closed….as tightly as possible. Which is good I guess, unless of course you wanna poop and can no longer control that sucker with your brain. 

Dun dun na na! Digital stimulation to the rescue.

Apparently, DIGITAL STIMULATION is the answer to living a long and healthy life with a tight, paralyzed butthole. You simply insert a gloved digit into that little monster, give it a spin round and round and suddenly it opens…like magic. And hopefully, you get your hand out of the way before the poop starts coming!

Functional? Yes. Pretty? No.

Learning the definition of Digital Stimulation and coming to terms with the fact that I would actually have to do it are two totally different things.

Especially at 13.

I had barely gotten over getting my period. Now I was supposed to stick my finger up my own butthole? Where there’s poop? Umm, I don’t think so.

You want me to stick what? Where?

Enter denial, temper tantrums, tears, a full-on 13-year-old power struggle. Me vs my mother, the nurses, and the doctors. Except in the end, nobody wins because no matter what, SOMEBODY is going to have to stick a finger up MY BUTTHOLE in order for me to shit.

The diaper was looking like a truly viable option at this point. I had changed diapers before. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad changing my own.

And then I remembered. Boys. Dating. I might want to do some of that. The diaper just didn’t fit into that picture.

And so, I came to terms with the fact that a finger had to go up my butthole. Not my finger though. My mom’s finger. Every second morning for the next 5 years. Until it was time to move out of the house and I decided (or rather my mom decided for me), that it was time to grow the fuck up. Which I did. But that’s a story for another day.

P.S If you’re able-bodied and have read this far, you’re welcome. If you ever wake up to find yourself paralyzed, I  saved you from the initial shock of learning what’s in store for you.

I can’t save you from having to actually stick your finger up your butt, but at least you know.

P.P.S If you are paralyzed and have read this far, tell me how you took it when you learned about digital stimulation for the first time! Bring on the shit stories!